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@matt___nelson
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"Tigers check, elephants check, zebras check. Look...
*beats dead horse* *kills two birds with 1 stone* ...
"If anyone knows a reason why these two should not...
Hi, I'm Christopher Columbus and this is Jackass ...
*walks into Best Buy* *points to CDs* "May I have...
[with mouth full of Pop Rocks] "A DIVORCE?"
[me narrating a documentary on sheep] "Look at the...
"Mike's coming over" "Mike from work or Mike who ...
[post-apocalypse, only a group of us remain] Alri...
[buying time machine] "Gonna go back and kill Hit...
Mozart began composing when he was 5 and I'm 18 an...
[Wheel of Fortune] T_RTLES "I would like to solve...
*I throw a chair across courtroom* "Sir calm down ...
[first date] {ok don't let her know you're a panda...
"Please describe the man who robbed you" He had a...
"Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3...
COP: know why I pulled u over son? ME: *tearing up...
[start of interview] Me: hi sir nice to meet you *...
[after having sex for first time] HER: was that no...
JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes...
<⌒/ヽ-、___ /<_/____/  ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ∧_∧ ( ・ω・) ...